I consider myself just a normal person that had a less than normal life. This journey we call “Life” was/is very tough for me. If you can imagine everything bad that can happen to someone, I have lived it. I was alone and there was nobody that I could talk to. Back then, I wish that I knew someone that went through the same hardships that I was living. At least the solitude I was feeling would have been a tiny bit less significant. In a bizarre way, it would have confirmed to me that what I was living was not considered “normal”. Unfortunately, the ramifications of a life like mine are so subtle, profound and complex; it’s very difficult to find someone that can understand. Fast forward to today, I can tell you that I have been through it and I did it all on my own. The journey has brought me from the brink of darkness to a new light that I never knew existed which we call “living”. Today, I can say that I made it through and I know what lies on this journey for people like me. I hope this blog and its content can be a place of solace for people that have no one to talk to.
Another reason for starting this blog was that I was so sick of hearing clichés that everybody throws at you. It’s so easy for someone who has been raised in a family where there was love and understanding to verbalize and actually believe those cliché lines like “this is what you should do to get better”. But none of these people could endure one minute being me and living with the pain I have in my heart. I was also very disappointed at people that were supposed to be experts at giving advice without having lived any major pain in their lives. How can an “expert” tell someone how to heal profound pain when they have never known any type of abuse, whether it be psychological or physical. I have lived the hardships, the desperation, the pain of having no one and being abused. I was sick of hearing people telling me to focus on the positive. But what if there is no positive in my life besides me breathing.
People are so quick at judging without thinking and really taking a look into meaningful things. I know it might sounds very unlikely that I didn’t have anything positive in my life, but there really were many moments in my life where I didn’t have much going for me. How did I make it through? That’s a very difficult question to answer because it’s not driven by only one answer. But I would say that what helped me the most was my capacity of self-analysis, my focus and lucidity on what I needed to do and my profound desire to live a better life. I would say that my desire to live a better life was probably the most important factor for me. I sincerely wanted to make it through at the lowest cost possible. When I say cost, for every surviving person there is a severe price to pay. Healing such deep wounds is never free. But you see have I had a mentor, I would have loved to know all this information. I would say that for me, the biggest and most difficult price was to be true to myself throughout the hardships. Because even in a normal life, most people struggle to stay true to themselves and will succumb to any type of outside pressure. But when your life is in turmoil, it’s even more difficult to achieve.
I will not lie, it’s difficult, VERY difficult. I will never make it sound like something it’s not. We all have expectations, and mine were so high that my reality check was even more painful. I tell it like it is. Sometimes it might even look like there’s no hope but my blog is called Hints of Hope. If you look hard enough, there will always be a tiny shred of hope, sometimes so tiny that we don’t see it because of all the pain and the turmoil in our lives, but it’s there. I believe that what allowed me to survive was the hope I had for a better future. I think hope is what keeps us moving forward. But hope has a different meaning for every person. In my head, I had built an image of what I wanted for my life. When things got too hard which was very often, I would go in my fantasy world where I was free, rich and loved. I know that on a purely psychological level, it might not be the best thing to do but for me, it’s what’s saved me. Without it, I would be dead right now. I had hope for a better life and that’s all I had. So, when people tell me to stay positive, of course you have to, but it makes me cringe because what do they know? Of course, there are some people whose lives are difficult too, but, unless a person has lived the same pain that I lived, no one should tell someone like me to stay “positive”. I just wanted to tell them, come and tell me how positive you are when you are being abused at home, when your whole world is pain, you know nothing else than pain. Then come back and tell me to stay positive!
Having been through a though life, I understand the profound pain and dispair that people like me have lived. If I talk about something, it is not because I know better than everyone. I know what I went through and I hope that this blog of my journey can help someone like me that is still in pain.